The Power of Finesse by L.A. Nik
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
If the Power of Place is an essential building block for the evolution of “you,” then The Power of Finesse is an essential building block for the evolution of your relationships and daily life. Finesse is key for every relationship – your mate, your boss, your co-workers.
Everyone.
In order to be a dancer, you have to have finesse. You have to know how to move across the floor. Your mind has to know where to put your foot before you even think about moving it. Comedians have finesse. They can plant a seed with a small one-liner, let it grow, and bring down the house an hour later. The Power of Finesse is all of this and more.
The Power of Finesse is knowing how to say and do the right things at the right time in the right place. It’s being charming without being arrogant.
Without finesse, you won’t be able to successfully navigate the mine fields of life. The Power of Finesse provides the map to the mine field and helps you steer clear of trouble – the big explosions that can make you detour to places you don’t want to venture.
Finesse helps you steer your course – it doesn’t help you manipulate it.
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People are a lot like dogs.
If you chase after a dog, it runs away from you. Right? If you run away from a dog, what does it do? It chases you! People are the same. If you chase people down, they'll run away from you. Wondering what they want and why they want it from you. If you run away from people, they chase you.
This only works if you have confidence though. If you're just some guy walking into a meeting with his head hung down and not making eye contact with anyone, no one is going to notice. No one will even think about chasing him. However, walk into a room with finesse and confidence, your head held high, making eye contact with everyone, what happens?
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It's not what you say. It's how you say it. L.A. Nik cracking up
funny man Alan Kalter; Announcer for the David Letterman show.
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They think, “Who the fuck is that? I have to meet this guy.”
They become the dogs chasing you!
It’s true. It works.
Believe me.
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Put simply, The Power of Finesse is basically micromanaging your life. Like a dancer who knows where to plant her foot before she even moves it, Finesse is knowing what you are going to say before you say it.
I learned this first hand about finesse when I owned my automotive restoration business in Florida called Del Rey Vintage. One of my employees taught me a lesson in finesse that I will never forget. He didn’t do it intentionally – he was very subtle. As a matter of fact, Rueben probably didn’t even know what he was doing, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
He was working on a car of one of my best clients. The problem was that he wasn’t doing things correctly – or at least he wasn’t in my opinion.
“Rueben. You’re fucking this up! You’d better fix that,” I yelled.
Do you see what I did wrong?
I didn’t at first. It took a couple of lessons from Reuben to set me straight.
Reuben wouldn’t say a word. He was too proud. I pushed him out of the way and finished the job myself. The next day, Reuben didn’t show up for work. After about four days, he’d come back, start work again. He’d be quiet for a while but would eventually be back to normal.
L.A. Nik had about as much finesse as a bull in a china shop.
I didn’t think about what I said before I said it. I’d lost the map to my life’s mine field. Most of all though, I used the word “you” instead of “we.”
By saying “You fucked this up” instead of “I think we’re doing this wrong and we should fix it this way,” I stepped on a landmine. A fucking big one. I put my employee on the defensive before he even had a chance to respond.
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You have to know your limits and how to get things done. You can use business strategies in everyday life and many of life’s lessons in business. You have to be careful about being persistent with people because the moment you push, they're going to think you want something from them. As soon as somebody thinks you want something from them, it’s over.
You're shut out.
You have to get people to believe you have something to offer.
Remember, make them chase you.
The best solution is to show interest in them without them believing you want something from them. Say you're on your way to work and you walk the same way to the office every day. You’re on the same sidewalks day after day. You ride the same elevator. Over time, you will begin to notice the same people – they are just like you after all. Then, one day, you finally get the courage to ackknowlege the one person who was piqued your interest after all of this time. You think to yourself, I'd really like to meet that person, but you've never said anything to her before. Most people are afraid and self conscious. They would never have the confidence or finesse to approach someone.
Then one day you make a passing compliment. You say, "You have cool hair.” You don’t wait for a reply. You don’t wait for her to say, “Thanks.” You don’t wait for a compliment in return.
Just keep on walking.
Do you know what you’ve done?
You’ve turned this woman you’re interested in into that dog I mentioned before. The dog who is now going to chase you! Ok, she’s not literally a dog, but you get what I mean.
If you expect and wait for a reply, you'll get shot down. By continuing on your way, this person will think, “Wow, he just complimented me for no reason. He must have genuinely meant it." 9 times out of 10 the person will start a conversation the next time you pass one another.
It works.
If people don't think you want something from them, they want to know you. Everybody wants to find a mate. Everybody wants friends. Everybody needs connections in business, in school, whatever.
It's human nature.
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The Power of Finesse can also be considered common sense.
If you can't deal with a relationship with one person how are you going to deal with any dream you have?
You're not!
Never burn a bridge – ever.
I have no problem telling someone I think they're fucking up. I’ve just learned how to say it with finesse. I'll tell the truth as I see it.
I own what I say and take responsibility for my words.
I'll say, "Hey, this is my opinion. But I think you're doing something wrong." I never tell someone I think they’re an idiot or stupid. Name calling is immature and it doesn’t help any situation ever.
You have to say the right thing to people. Saying the words "we" instead of “you.” It is a bit of a manipulating game. But you ultimately will still get what you want and you'll get the other person on board with you. And the most important, you won't hurt their feelings.
But that's how life is.
Life is a big fucking game and you have to know how to play it.
There are all these things in life they don't teach you in school. There's a difference between being confident and being arrogant. There's a difference between being persistent and being a stalker. There's a difference between believing in yourself and being narcissistic. And if you're not sure how to play the game, watch other people who do it with ease.
Learn from those with finesse.
It’s why I’m writing this book! I’ve learned a lot of things in this life and all I want to do is share what I’ve learned. I’ve talked to thousands of people and I can’t tell you how many people I’ve helped one-on-one. This book is just about spreading my wisdom to the masses.
Surround yourself around people who seem to know how to play the game. Listen to them. Watch them. Then try it out on other people. Never try to play the game with the professionals. Learn from those you admire and try out their techniques with your own style. You can't quote them. You can't do things exactly the way they do it. You're you and they are who they are.
All of these techniques you can use in your personal and professional life.
If you build your life good enough and you have a solid foundation built on integrity, nobody can take you down. Be true to yourself and everyone around you. Do what you say and say what you do. If I tell someone I'll be there, be there. Be honest with people.
My impression is that most people are not happy with their own lives. I hear this everywhere I go. If it isn’t true, then there are a lot of people bitching and complaining for no reason!
What people don't get is that they have complete control of it. Everyone has the map to the landmines in their lives. Most just don’t know to read the map or even where to find it! They chase the wrong dreams – status and money. Those things don't make you happy.
Most importantly, you have to be happy with yourself.
Dealing with people is just like playing poker. You have to know how to read them. You have to read the subtle gestures and the small movements. You have to know when you have the upper hand and when you’re going to get punched in the face.
You have to know when you can call someone's bluff. No one tries to bluff me. I don't look like a victim so they don’t even try. Most people are intimidated and won't talk to me. The people who do talk to me have the confidence to match mine.
How I look doesn't match my personality. I know that. I'm a nice guy. I'm loyal to my girlfriend. I'm a good friend. I keep my promises and I don't hurt people's feelings. But people wouldn't know that about me from looking at me. And I’m fine with that. I'm not interested in knowing those people anyway. I have no tolerance for people who judge before they even have the confidence to approach me and say “hello.” I'm confident about who I am. I know myself. My girlfriend knows me and my friends know me. I don't have to prove anything to everyone in the world.
I get approached mostly by business men. I don't know why. Maybe cause they want to be me. Or maybe they wanted to be me when they were younger but then lost it when they entered the rat race. I don’t know.
Maybe they talk to me because I don't have a lot of patience for politeness and small talk and that’s what they’re used to. It's all a mask and it keeps us from being who we really are. I have no filter and I'll say how it is and what I think. I personally believe the world would be a lot better off if people just cut through that bullshit and were just honest with each other.
The world will treat you according to what you think of yourself. I absolutely believe that. I’m real. I’m honest. I’m a good guy and I care.
---- L.A. Nik ----- L.A. Nik ----- L.A. Nik ----- L.A. Nik ----- L.A. Nik
Having finesse is successfully steering your life. You have a choice as to what you want your life to be like.
Do you want it to be a huge ship that takes forever to turn?
Do you want it to be a racecar that if the steering wheel is turned even the slightest, you crash into the side wall.
One is slow and deliberate.
The other is fast and precarious.
You don’t want to be the Titanic but you also don’t want to be crashing at every turn. Life is a compromise between the two. You must have the finesse to make quick decisions like the race car but the patience to let things take their course – like the cruise ship.
Humans are not born with finesse.
Finesse is acquired. It is learned from practice – from time on life’s stage.
The problem that I have witnessed, is that most people become the cruise ship. They become so mired in living the dream that they cannot make the fast decisions that they once could. A few years ago I met a man at a bar and started up the conversation. He was in a suit and tie. He had a cell phone, a laptop, and an earpiece so he could talk on the phone without lifting his hand. He told me that he worked for a large company. He was one of the ninety presidents of the ninety divisions within the company.
He had pretty business cards.
“How the fuck do you get anything done?” I asked.
“We don’t. It takes too long,” he replied. “When we were smaller, things were different though. It was a lot more fun back then. We’re a global company now and that’s pretty cool though.”
The guy was miserable. I could read it on his face.
True. He made a lot of money but he was lost in the machine. He was on his third wife and his kids didn’t’ talk to him. He had once worked for a company that was a combination cruise ship and race car. He now worked on the Titanic. The icebergs were coming and they were too big to steer clear. The company had lost the map to guide them through life.
A year later, I came across his business card.
It was still pretty.
I recognized the company’s name from the news. It had just closed its doors and thousands of people had lost their jobs.
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As I have said, The Power of Finesse is an essential building block for the evolution of your life. Finesse is the art of micromanaging yourself. It’s not manipulation. It’s not lying.
It’s timing.
Timing to know what to say and when to say it.
Timing to know when to turn from an approaching iceberg or landmine and being agile enough to realize that danger is coming.
You will only gain the Power of Finesse from living your life - it’s not something that you wake up with. Finesse takes time. You don’t want to be a charming Yes-Man but you want to be the one that people chase. The Power of Finesse is being able to balance the fine line between knowing when to be quiet and when to brag.
Power of Finesse by L.A. Nik
