How to be happier in life.
"Too many people wake up years later and wonder what the fuck happened." - by L.A. Nik
I had been getting disability from Los Angeles for a thousand dollars a month and I knew I'd be getting it for the next year. So I thought, instead of renting a place for five hundred bucks a month, start real high. That way you’re forced to bust your ass to keep it. Plus you can always move down if it gets to be too much. If you start at the bottom, you can’t go down and going up from the bottom is extremely difficult.
So I found a really nice duplex in Boca Raton, Florida to rent for a thousand dollars a month. It was a really nice place. Then I started looking for a place to do cars and I found a place on Del Ray beach for $1500 a month. So now I’m paying $2500 a month and I had no job.
I was dating this girl that I met in L.A., Susan, and I said, “Hey, go out and get some commercial accounts.” So she comes back the very first day and she gets an account for ambulances. They had 15 vans. The next thing I know, I’m working on all these vans and within the first week, I had five accounts. I still looked like a rocker out of L.A. but now I'm in Florida, working on cars. And we made money – a lot of money.
This is what started the darkest period of my life. When I was doing all this I lost who I was. I stopped being me. I started playing the part. I put my hair up in a baseball cap, married my girlfriend, bought a new house, bought furniture, and had a daily routine. I did this for seven years; Seven years of marriage, job, house, routine. In reality, it felt more like just one year – cause I didn’t progress at all in any way. I progressed financially, but I had slipped into the trap; The comfortable state of hatred.
Let's get one thing straight. Money is great when it's meant to increase your freedom to do stuff and be your own boss. But when money is only used to buy stuff, to maintain some lifestyle, or to show off your status, then money will not work for you. If that's the case, money has a hold on you. You're a slave to the money and to the stuff you buy. You lose your freedom and you'll lose yourself. Stuff only wears you down. Stuff will only keep you stagnant.
I got to a point where every day was mundane. Everything was the same. I started to hate my job. I hated my life. I hated my wife. It all became about responsibility and obligation. I had clients that depended on me and I had deadlines. When I worked in the shop in L.A., I had a lot more freedom. I remained true to myself and I worked when I wanted to. I knew I was good and I got the work done.
You'd think being my own boss and owning my own shop and making my own hours would work for me. It should have, but instead of remaining the person I was, I allowed myself to change; To play the part in the theatre of life. I thought it was time for me to grow up and be a responsible adult. What I didn't realize was, I already was a responsible adult. But somehow I convinced myself I still needed to "look" like one.
I bought so much stuff. We were making a lot of money at this time. I started buying all kinds of antiques and cars - whatever I wanted. I'd always loved antique mechanical stuff and so I was buying everything old and mechanical that I could afford. At first, it was a small collection. Then it turned into a "I gotta have it!" kind of addiction. The stuff had a hold on me. And I didn't have a hold of myself anymore.
If you have nothing tying you down, you're free to do whatever you want. Stuff ties you down. If you want to collect something, collect cash.
Everything started in this house. It was the first time I ever smoked coke. I didn’t notice at first, but after the first time I smoked it, I would dream about it. It’s that powerful. Like you do it once, you start dreamin’ about it and it makes you want to do it again.
Smokin' coke replaced buying all the stuff. I was still working, still being responsible but I hadn't noticed just how miserable and unhappy I had become. It got to a point where I was just on auto-pilot, just getting through the day. Then I could go home and smoke coke. Doing drugs was a means of coping. It became what I looked forward to every day.
Pretty soon I was buying it all the time and learning how to cook it myself, but only on the weekends. Then I started smoking it during the week. Then it got to the point where I was doing it seven days a week. Every day – I would get home from work and the first thing I did was cook up some coke.
Then it got to the point where I was smoking it during the day. I was smoking before I went to work. Then I was coming home every 20 minutes to do it. The shop was only a mile from my house. So I was driving home every 20 minutes to do some coke. It got really, really, really bad. It didn't take long before it got to the point where I hardly even worked anymore.
Everything fell apart of course. Everything financially fell apart. The business fell apart. My marriage fell apart. Everything. I did manage to get it under control for a little while. Then my wife and I started going in opposite directions. That forced me to go even deeper. I'm alone now. I drove away all of my friends and replaced them with drugs.
One day, I found a note written on a McDonald’s bag from my wife that read, "I'm leaving you. Bye." And she was gone. Just gone. Left it on the table for me. I didn’t see her for months. She just took off with some dude for Costa Rica.
She never tried to stop me from doing coke. I think she just let me do all that so she had a legitimate reason to leave me. I didn’t respect that at all but in the long run it didn't matter.
At this point in my life, I’m in the house by myself and seriously indulging every day. I’m buying just bags of dope. I was smoking all day and night just trying to numb myself. It was a bad time in my life. When she left, I went chronic.
Drugs used to be a recreational thing for me. Like I said, I was a weekend warrior. Drugs weren't a part of my lifestyle, they were something to do on occasion with friends when you're partying. Now, they became my means of coping. Once I started hating my life and who I had become I went to the one thing I knew would make me feel better. This would make me hate my life even more and guess where that sent me?
Working on cars didn't excite me anymore. It used to. I loved my job in L.A. I've loved working on cars my whole life. Still do. But now with my own shop, my own accounts, a mortgage, a wife, taxes, responsibility, obligation, paperwork!! The love of working on the cars faded. I found no joy in it anymore. I had deadlines. I had inventory. The mundane tasks took over.
You have to be careful with too much routine. Routine and the mundane kills your spirit. It takes away your dream. It makes you forget who you are. It takes away the joy you used to have in what you did. If you spend every day just punching the clock, running errands, filing, checking off a list, making appointments, doing the dishes, you've sunk into a comfortable state of hatred.
If you wake up at the same time every day, get out of bed the same way, go through your morning routine and leave the house the same time every day, you've sunk into a comfortable state of hatred. If you go through your workday talking to the same people, having the same meetings, checking off the same list, eating the same lunch, leaving the same time just to come home and lay down on the couch and watch TV every night, you've sunk into a comfortable state of hatred.
If you find yourself finding different ways of coping such as drinking too much, doing drugs, gambling, shopping, cheating on your spouse, neglecting your kids, you have sunk into a comfortable state of hatred.
I was talking to these two investment bankers at the bar one night. They were co-workers at the same firm, did the same job, were the same age and had been doing the job the same amount of time. Instantly, I knew one hated life and one didn't so I wanted to see what the difference was. The one guy, we'll call him John, talked about how he loved his job. He loved researching, he loved trading and he loved making people money. The other guy, we'll call him Joe, only said, "I've been doing this my whole life. It's too late to start over now."
Which investment banker would you rather work with?
Let's get one thing clear. It's never too late to start over. My grandmother went to Disneyworld for the first time in her life when she was 90. Never, ever say it's too late to do anything.
Interestingly, neither guy was married and neither had kids. John said he loved being single and loved living by himself. He frequented many different bars and had a variety of interests and friends. Joe talked about how he had invested in real estate. When I asked him what his passion was, he couldn't answer. John was quick to say he loved numbers and math. When I asked John why he wasn't married, he said he knew years ago that marriage wasn't for him. He'd had girlfriends and he's still friends with many of them. Joe, on the other hand, wanted to be married to a supermodel, which was never going to happen.
Finally, I asked them what was they're biggest contribution was to life. John said he's helped lots of people make more money and be more financially secure and also enjoyed helping take care of some of his friend's kids financially. Joe said, "The afterlife will be better."
Really??? This guy was living his life only in the hopes that his next life will be better? I was shocked and saddened. What a waste. I made a note never to invest with this guy. He obviously doesn't care.
It all comes down to this: You gotta find out who you are and be confident in yourself. Then you follow your dreams and don't stay stuck in the past. You have to keep changing things up. This is how you will avoid the comfortable state of hatred. If you allow yourself to stay stuck, become something you're not, lose your passion and give up on your dreams, you will sink into the comfortable state of hatred. I guarantee it.
I believe 90% of Americans right now are in a comfortable state of hatred. I've met so many people in my life from all walks of life - Different backgrounds, ages and financial statuses. Most of them are in a comfortable state of hatred. It's rare that I meet someone who truly was living his or her life freely and full of passion and choosing to love life every day.
There's a difference between giving up and giving in. When you give in, you just allow yourself to be swallowed up by your life around you. You're punching the clock – with your job, with your relationships. You're a walking shell. And you keep telling yourself, "I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. This makes me a responsible adult. This makes me a good person. I've joined the PTA. I have a nice lawn. I recycle." You've given in and you've lost control. Give it a little more time and you'll find some other way to cope. Go on anti-depressants. Take up drinking. Cheat on your spouse. Start hoarding. Play video games.
I married my wife out of convenience. I bought a house, had a business, had a routine and it seemed like the thing to do. No pressure, just convenience. Seemed like the thing to do next. Most people think that way. They do all this for the convenience. You get yourself into a predictable daily routine that's stable and you can count on it, you don't have to try so hard and think so much. But then what? Just watch TV every night? You have a life of convenience so you can spend all your free time getting to know the NBC lineup?
Get married when you are truly in love with someone and they are truly in love with you back. Most importantly, they've seen the real you. People can put on an act for a good year. In fact, guys can put on the act for at least two years. Guys know what I'm talking about. They put on the best behavior act for at least two years. And then, it will turn to shit. I hear it everywhere – Men and women always say, "Oh they changed after a couple years." No they didn't. They weren't being totally themselves for two years! They didn't change, they just stopped the act.
If you're going to be a dick, be a dick from day one. If you're a pig then burp and fart from day one. You're going to be you eventually so you might as well just be yourself from the get go. Cause you're going to want to be with someone who loves you for you so you should show your real self from the beginning. Trust me, the person you are meant to be with will love you as you are. But if you put on an act, then the person who may be the love of your life won't notice you or fall for the act.
This is why most marriages have a 4 to 5 year shelf life. Because they weren't being honest with who they really are from the beginning. Maybe they were trying to be something they wished they were or trying to live a life they thought they wanted. But instead of trying this shit out on your own before hand, you put the burden on the other person and when the act is over, you're left with yourself and the other person didn't turn out the way you thought either. And you hate each other and wonder why they changed.
This is not about getting older. A younger person with a lot of experiences will learn from their mistakes. Someone who doesn't do anything and doesn't build on any experiences won't mature.
The comfortable state of hatred starts with complacency. You get up, you go to work, you come home, cook dinner and watch TV. Day in and day out. Every day the same thing. People are afraid of change. They think to themselves, "I have this, I worked for this, I paid for that. I have a place to sleep. I have someone to sleep with. I have responsibilities and people depending on me." They don't want to change this because they think they've earned this. But have you earned? This is not living. This is simply existing.
Change is good. You're better off walking away from everything in your life and suffering hard core for a year than you are putting up with this anymore. To get your life back for the next 30 years, give a year. One year of suffering to get yourself back on track is worth what you'll have the next 30 years.
If you stay where you're at, you'll never truly live. You'll just continue to exist. You might as well be a bird in a birdcage. Because that's what this life is. And you put yourself there. People cage themselves.
Change is great. But you have to be able to accept the consequences of that change too. You have to learn not to burn bridges. You don't have to hurt people in this process. You don't have to turn away from the people in your life – that's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying quit your job, leave your wife, abandon your kids. No. If you're married and you still want to be married to this person, you owe it to them to say, "Look, I'm not happy. I need to make a change and I want you to do this with me."
If there is a "we" in your life, then you have to get them on board. It's not just about you. You have to put it in context of we. WE need to make a change. WE need to start living. WE need to do something different. Even if you're in your 40's or 50's - you still have 30-40 years left. That's a lot of years and they shouldn't be spent just existing in the day to day.
You can't wait either. You have to do this shit now. I mean, what do you gotta do, buy more shit? You want to wait until you buy the living room furniture? Buy a new car? Remodel the house? Forget it! Those things are anchors! Buying stuff just keeps you in the comfortable state of hatred. It keeps you locked down cause you have to keep paying for it and taking care of it.
Merchandise just traps you more and more and more. The less you own, the better off you'll be. The less you have to take care of, the less space you have to clean. The less you have to maintain, the better. Face it, life was not meant to just be maintained – it was meant to be LIVED! How many books do you need to buy about painting walls? How many knick knacks do you need to dust off? How much more crap do you need to buy to show off to your friends? How much stuff will it take to make you happy? The answer is infinite. It will take an infinite amount of stuff to make you happy – and that will never, ever happen.
You have to stir shit up. You have to recognize when you've reached the point of a comfortable state of hatred. If you're in a comfortable state of happiness, you can stop reading this book right now. But most Americans are in a comfortable state of hatred and you have to be honest with yourself and take an honest look at your life. Take a real, hard, open and honest look at your life and ask yourself if this is the life you dreamed of when you were a kid.
If it isn't, you need to change it. You need to stir shit up and do something different. Maybe you don't have to do an entire overhaul. Start small. Just change your daily routine. Drive a different route to work. Do your hair different. Get some tea instead of a latte. Try a shot of bourbon instead a beer. See how these small changes feel and then start making bigger changes.
But then, paranoia takes over. Severe paranoia. Like where you swear to God that there’s someone at your window. At every window. There’s someone looking through every window and someone is going to kick your door down any second. You’re going to go to jail. You’re going to get murdered. You’re going to go to prison and going to get gang raped. You can never stop thinking about all this. You’re constantly freaking out. “What’s that noise?’ “Did you hear that?” You’ll even turn your hot water heater off because you don’t want to hear that “ssshhhhh” noise anymore. You’ll unplug your refrigerator because you can’t stand the humming noise. Everything starts making noise. And everything starts driving you mad.
Before you know it, your house is destroyed. All your shit is unplugged. All the food goes bad and you don’t throw it out cause you’re paranoid that someone is going to go through your garbage so you live in filth and as long as you’re high, you don’t care and you never leave your room. You won’t take a shower and you won’t go in the bathroom at all. I knew people that would smoke coke and just pee in bottles. Cause you’re too paranoid that there might be someone behind that shower curtain.
I was in a bad place. I've been there and I needed help.
It's a dangerous slope to ask people for help. You have to watch who you ask. You're better off asking someone who has been down that road and someone you don't know that well than you are asking your close friends and family members. Once your parents know you have a drug problem, you lose your pride and they will never look at you the same again.
Even with money problems. The haves always run away from the have nots. As soon as anybody knows you need help and they have more than you, they run. It's just the way people are. I know people always say things like, "Oh you know who your friends are when you need help." All that is crap. Trust me. Your true friends are not going to know what to do and will run away – not because they don't care, but because they don't know how to help.
If you have an addiction, talk to someone who had an addiction themselves and got clean. Let them help you. If you're not ready for that and you are still deep in addiction, listen to me right now! You know you're a drug addict. I did. I didn't need my friends and family lecturing me about shit I already knew. Nothing they could say would change anything. You gotta get help on your own and you gotta seek out those who can truly help you. Completely trust me on this. I did it.
-by L.A. Nik
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| I enjoy working on things again in my small, home shop. |
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